


Devil May Drive

by Kurai Aquinas (Goose_is_Awesome)



Series: Two Brothers. In A Van. And Then A Meteor Hit. [2]
Category: Devil May Cry
Genre: Brotherly Angst, Brotherly Bonding, Fortuna is near Italy, Gen, General Chaos, Neither of them have drivers licenses, Not super strict with canon, Redgrave City is in the UK, Route 66 exists still, Seriously a lot of fighting, Temen Ni Gru is in upstate NY, absurdity, brotherly fighting, yeah - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-12-19
Updated: 2019-12-19
Packaged: 2021-02-25 22:55:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,185
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21863320
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Goose_is_Awesome/pseuds/Kurai%20Aquinas
Summary: The brothers find themselves in a sticky situation following their return from Hell. Maybe crashing their own funeral wasn't the wisest decision, and doing so piss drunk DEFINITELY wasn't. Now it's time for them to reconnect with each other after decades of silence on an awkward road trip across the continental United States.
Relationships: Dante/Vergil (Devil May Cry)
Series: Two Brothers. In A Van. And Then A Meteor Hit. [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1573774
Comments: 4
Kudos: 23





	Devil May Drive

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What do we do with a drunken hunter, what do we do with a drunken hunter, what do we do with a drunken hunter early in the morning?

#  PROLOGUE

_ Last time - July 25, 3:17 pm  _

“Ayyy kid!” Dante stumbled over and pulled Nero into a sloppy hug, Nero recoiling at the stench. “We back!”

Vergil rolled onto his side and shakily stood up, bracing himself on the bumper of the van (and pushing a spike through his hand in the process). “We- we remembered we can teleport with Yamato!” He holds the sword up in victory just as a bullet flies into his forehead, courtesy Lady.

“You assholes!” She yelled, as Nero finally managed to release himself from his uncle's bear hug.

“We were holding a funeral for you jackasses! We thought you were gone forever!” Nero screams, summoning his wings and sucker punching Dante into the streets of Fortuna, sending him crashing through the memorial. Nero very quickly followed him outside to commence the beating, and his father sat up, the bullet clattering on the floor as it left his forehead.

“Glad that is not me.” Vergil said to the group, when a glowing blue talon dragged him outside.

#  DEVIL MAY DRIVE

_ July 25 - 3:29 pm _

“And I’m taking THIS back.” Nero growled, snatching Yamato off the concrete. Vergil groaned in response, he and his brother having been sprawled out on the road. Dante’s right eye was swollen and bruised, but even that began to quickly return to baseline thanks to his demonic heritage. Nero stomped on back into the garage, and the twins could just barely hear him offering platitudes to Kyrie and the others.

Trish strolled into the street, crouching next to the legendary devil hunter and snickering. “You know, I’m honestly surprised, boys.” The she-devil rolled Dante onto his back, causing a grunt of pain to escape his throat. “I wouldn’t think you could  _ get _ drunk. All my years of knowing you those bottles of JD never touched your liver.”   
  
“Not fer lack o’ tryin’, babe.” Dante croaked, sitting up and swaying back and forth. “‘M still pretty woozy.”

“I have only ever enjoyed wine for the taste-”  _ and class, _ Vergil cut in, “-but this was my firs’ foray into inebri- inebriash- being drunk.” The man hadn’t moved from his prone position. “‘S pretty good.” He winced as a loud crack resonated through the street- his left forearm bone must be setting itself and regenerating. “Ow.”

“Well,” Trish stood up and stretched. “I’ll let you boys recover. Come back in when you’ve sobered up. Nero’s girlfriend has quite a spread of ‘za waiting that you won’t wanna miss, Dante.” She winked and spun on her heel, stepping over Vergil as she strutted back to the Fortuna branch of DMC.

“I really dislike how much she looks like mother.” Vergil said, rolling over and struggling to get to his feet. He stumbled over to a lamppost, leaning against it to regain his balance (which, unfortunately, was not returning).

“Whaddya wanna do now, Verge?” Dante crawls along the ground toward his brother, pulling on his coattails to drag himself to his feet (and almost causing Vergil to tip over again).

“I dunno…” Vergil drunkenly looked around the immediate area, which Dante mimicked. Their eyes both locked on to the roof of Nero’s building, upon which Morrison’s chopper was parked. The twins looked at each other and started to giggle, their forms flashing with a golden light followed by their respective colors as they pulled their Sin Devil Triggers and flew to the top.

#  MISSION 1 - THE HANGOVER

_ July 27 - 5:53 am _

The freezing kiss of water graced his lips and the rest of his body, jolting him awake. Head pounding, Vergil struggled to get his bearings, gripping onto some form of rubbery fabric and trying to pull himself out of the water. Was this really going to be the end for him, the man that survived death itself? No, he refused, but as Vergil began to inhale the wet material fell against his face and prevented him from drawing breath, filling his mouth with salty water. He felt a strong hand grip his collar and yank, and suddenly Vergil felt the sensation of flying, unfortunately short-lived thanks to the sand becoming his new home. 

He sat up and shook his head, his eyes rapidly adapting to the sunrise. Dante stood next to him, and Vergil saw his hair had been cut- no longer a shaggy mass, but short on the sides, not unlike Nero’s. This allowed Vergil to gain a clean view of his twin’s forehead, upon which the word ‘Damaged’ was written in shimmering golden ink, along with a few teardrops below the devilhunter’s left eye and “Donte” on his left cheek. Vergil’s eyes traveled to the location from where his brother lovingly threw him- Vergil was on a beach, and the water he’d been drowning in the ocean, and the material waterboarding him a rapidly deflating gigantic rubber duck with a sagging black top hat.

“Where’s the-” Vergil croaked out, turning toward his brother and slicking his hair back.

“Chopper?” Dante groaned, rubbing his temple. He pointed to behind Vergil, at the smoldering wreck of a helicopter. “You look like hell.” The younger brother chuckled and sat down next to Vergil, pulling the Cavaliere’s front end into existence from whatever pocket dimension he stored his weaponry and turning a mirror to face him.

Vergil was stunned silent at how much of a mockery his reflection was making of him- his eye had been circled in the same golden ink as his brother like a monocle, along with a profane phallus drawn on his right cheek pointing at his mouth. He opened and closed his mouth a few times, utterly gobsmacked. “How- did you-  _ Dante _ …”

“Woah, relax, it wasn’t me. At least I don’t think it was.” Dante held his hands up in surrender and pulled his bike back toward him. “You’re hoggin’ the mirror!”

Dante was silent for a few minutes, seemingly impressed by the haircut. “Who the hell is Donte?” He wondered aloud.

“I do not know who this Donte is,” Vergil hissed, “But if he is responsible, I will end him.” His hand went to his side to grip his trusty Yamato and- 

“Didja forget? The kid snagged it back in Fortuna after smacking us around a bit. We’re not teleporting any time soon.”

“Dante, what did we  _ do _ ?” Vergil rubbed his face, satisfied that some of the golden ink was appearing on his hand as he did so. He borrowed the mirror once again to clear his face of profanity and glared at Dante like it was his fault, because  _ everything _ could be traced back to his foolish little brother.

“You got me, Verge.” Dante himself cleaned up and stood up. “Seems like we had one hell of a bender. Is this what a hangover feels like? It’s awful.” He yawned, turning to face his brother.

“What  _ didn’t _ we do last night, am I right boys?” A nasally, jovial-sounding voice rang out above the pair, almost musical in cadence. Vergil squinted at the figure- a slender, androgynous being clad in a gold and black three piece suit sat in the sky as though seated on a sofa, legs crossed and sipping out of a mug shaped like a human skull. “Boy that was fun! You know, it’s so rare that I get out these days, I just thought I had to reward ya!” The figure cackled and dismissed their mug, landing on the sand with a flourish. A simple black cane manifested in their hand, and as though mimicking Vergil’s human side, they raised their other hand and snapped.

The top hat sagging on the rubber duck in the bay transformed into a smaller, almost cartoonish top hat floating just above the figure’s golden hair- hair that Vergil noted was obscuring one of their eyes, the visible one serpentine in nature with a bright yellow iris.

Vergil dropped into a hand to hand stance, immediately on edge at this new threat. Dante pointed his guns at the being, who threw up his arms with a quiet yelp. “Woahwoahwoah, hold on there tough guy, I ain’t here to get rowdy.” In a blink, the figure was behind Vergil, holding out a bottle of Cabernet. “At least not the way you two like to get rowdy!” They winked (or blinked?), and were in front of Dante, placatingly holding out a box of pizza.

Dante, not one to pass up free ‘za, flipped the box open with Ebony, and to his surprise he stared down a steaming hot pie with everything on it (except olives, Vergil noted- Dante  _ loathed _ olives on his pizza, ever since he was a child, but often ate it anyway because Vergil  _ adored _ them). The younger twin holstered Ebony with a grin, and reached out for a slice, and the pizza exploded. Dante was covered head to toe in tomato sauce and melted mozzarella. Even Vergil managed to crack a smile at his brother’s annoyed glare.

“Aha! See! He has a sense of humor!” The figure snorted, patting Vergil on the shoulder. This, of course, was met with a wild swing from Vergil, which socked the being in the face and caved it in. “Mkay.” They said, holding up a finger and gripping the tip of their absurdly long nose with the other hand. The demon pulled their face back into shape and fanned themselves, returning to floating in between the brothers. “I!” They took a bow. “Am called Asmodai.” They said, spinning their hat around their finger and placing it back atop their head.

“Where are we, clown? And what happened?” Vergil seethed. He was getting some rather unpleasant memories from this trickster. Dante seemed also to be more than unhappy with the circumstances, and drew his devil sword, pointing it at the demon.

“Now now, I’m not here to fight!” Asmodai waved their arms once again and sighed. “Always with the violence with you. All that happened was you boys left the underworld, and little ol’ me scampered on through with ya!” Asmodai’s legs began spinning as though they were a cartoon running. “And being the generous devil I am, I thought it fit to reward you! You poor souls have never had the joy of a drunken haze before in your lives! Why, a little fiddling with your devilish metabolisms here and there for a short time and you can finally get white girl wasted!” The devil snapped their fingers again, and golden holograms of the boys loudly singing Devils Never Cry (poorly, Vergil noted, and horribly off key) while stumbling toward Morrison’s helicopter. A hologram of Asmodai was right behind them, twirling a keyring around their finger. “A left turn here, a swarm of flying dolphin demons there, and Bob’s your uncle! We’re crash landed in sunny Santa Monica!”

“Santa Monica?” Dante exclaimed. “We were near  _ Italy _ ! How the hell-”

“Hell exactly, my fiendish friend! You boys, you know- just dowsing rods for demonic activity, really, and add on Sparda’s old power of mastering any object he touches, and baby, you got a stew goin’!” Asmodai yelled, rubbing their belly. “The things you did with that helicopter, Dante, oh- I was turned on, to be honest.”

“Disgusting filth.” Vergil sneered at the devil and ran his hand through his hair. “Leave us! Or face the wrath of the Sons of Sparda.” In a flash, Vergil had pulled his Devil Trigger and summoned a fleet of swords in the air behind him.

“Not even a  _ thank you _ !” Asmodai harrumphed. “And here I was gonna put you on easy street, the simplest way back to your old haunt.” They motioned to Dante.

“We can find our own way back to my shop, thanks.” Dante rolled his eyes at Vergil’s dramatic actions and pointed Ebony at the devil. “Skedaddle or start dancin’, freak.”

The twins let loose a volley of their respective ranged attacks, and the devil simply winked out of existence. “FINE! Fine, I’ll pop away for now, but you boys are  _ way _ too much fun for me to leave alone entirely! I’ll see you again, babes! Ta ta!” Asmodai’s voice echoed, and the rest was silence.

Dante sighed and popped in and out of his own Devil Trigger to force-clean the pizza off his skin. “We oughta bounce too. I don’t wanna stick around for any cops that might show up thanks to the gunshots.”   
  
“Agreed.” Vergil dismissed his devil form and crossed his arms. “Dante, if we are to encounter more demons, I may require the use of one of your weapons.”

“Oho~ That’s right, no Yamato, no weapon.” Dante wagged his finger. “Well, I know you’re not one for guns.” He said, slinging his arm around Vergil. The pair began to stroll off the beach and into the city proper. “But last I remember waaaaay back a few decades ago, you were pretty fond of those light weapons, weren’t ya?”   
  
“Indeed.” Vergil nodded, recalling his upgrade thanks to Beowulf. “I recall you using a similar type of devil arm in our latest bouts.”

“Yup! And wouldn’t you know it, I’m sick of hearing him talk!” Dante grinned.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is just a taste of the veritable insanity to come, to whet thy whistles. It may take a good while yet for another update, but I plan on rolling out updates regularly after Mission 2 releases.


End file.
